I am at home on a Saturday, doing laundry and some very boring file saving and stuff for project diaspora and I am getting extremely depressed. I blame it on
Vickie, Christina Barcelona
and as much as I shy from drama, I wish I was as passionate about life as Maria Elena. I don’t want to live in maelstrom of drama, or be so unhappy that I try to kill myself or someone else. I feel like all that is boiling inside of me, but I am don’t let it out. I don’t really give a fuck what people think of me most of the time. I, however, don’t want to impose what I feel on other people either. I am learning to be more open about my softer emotions. Love of my friends, minor sadness and stress… I want to be more open.
What about the more powerful emotions though? Rage? Passion? Deep Sadness? Intense Joy? What about that? Most people shy away from that… when I open the box just a little, people shy away. I feel judgment crawl up the back of my neck and I fold my emotions up and pack ‘em up and put them back in their little box.
So what do I do? I really don’t know… I mean I really don’t. A part of me wants to quit my job, sell my house, and leave everything behind and go out and travel and do whatever strikes me… but I want a place, a home, a family. So how do I get both?
