On Fresh Air today Terry Gross interviewed David Rieff. It broke my heart to hear him talk about his mother… it is not that he was oh, so emotional about it on air or anything (because he was not). It is obvious that he loved his mother. But the kind of generosity and love that he expressed is well… it is rare to hear about it so openly. I was literally moved to tears by his retelling of her fear. Not only that, but his own struggle to honor who she was and what she wanted as she approached the end of her life. Both touching and heartbreaking.
I think the thing that made me the saddest though was the absolute terror with which this intellectual giant faced death. Gross and Rieff spent some time discussing how impossible it was for his mother; as an atheist to see death as anything more than the extinguishing of the self. As a Christian myself I have often wondered how true my own faith is. I think it is inherent in the human condition to doubt our own beliefs at some point. I like Paul have often felt the need to call to God and ask him to help me in my unbelief. However as I heard Reiff talk about the true nature of atheism, I realized that just as it was impossible for Sontag to envision an afterlife, of the existence of the soul beyond the body. I cannot fathom an existence where the soul does not exist. Where the journey ends at death; where it is an end and not a beginning.
I have often given a certain level of gut level credit to the idea that if there was no God we would have had to create one. The we need God so that we can comfort ourselves. In some respects, the story of Susan Sontag lends credence to this idea. She could not die in peace, she could not come to terms with her own end. She was terrified, she died not only in physical pain but also emotional pain. This vision of her pains me. But when I examine my own beliefs, I realize that it is not false comfort… I truly do believe that God will always be with me. That there in nothing that I need fear in death.
I did not know her, her writings actually annoy me because of the complexity of her language. Which, also annoys me, as I am actually very interested in the topics she chose to write about. So it is not like I have any sort of emotional or even intellectual connection to her… when her name is mentioned to me I usually roll my eyes. Yet, this woman lived her life fully. And I have alot of respect for her as a woman and a writer. It really does make me heartsick to think that she could not face death with the sort of dignity with which she faced life.
As a Christian, who has drawn considerable peace from living with the presence of God, I wonder why it was impossible for her to hear the still quiet voice of God calling to her. Especially since God as I understand him must have been calling more and more loudly the closer she came to her own death. But we all have the choice to believe what we will…
Still there is no answering that question. The answer to that question was probably impossible to answer even when she was alive to answer it. So I will read her son’s book, because his interview touched me. I will read her diaries when they are published in an effort to understand her better. Because there are a few in my life that share her confidence in atheism… and I might even try to wade through her writings. No matter your belief, Christian of atheist, there is no doubt that she is lost to us all now and what is left are these artifacts of her life.
